My husband wants to be with me all the time, every second of every day. I usually have some things I need to get done, but I want to be there for him in this time of need. I’ve been told that he should go to an adult day care center, but what if he refuses to go to that center? What if he isn’t ready for that yet?
Do I Day Care?
Dear Do I,
If your husband has a dementia diagnosis, then both you and he are ready for it! You need time to get your daily tasks accomplished, and he needs time with other people like himself. He needs a daily structure that is predictable and provides him with self worth – spending time with specialists and his peers can help with this. You must learn to think of this action as something you’re doing for him, not to him.
He can start at the center as a volunteer, then naturally segue into acting as a participant; all centers are very familiar with that process. There is no need to waste your energy trying to “prepare” him for spending time at the center, just enroll him and take him. You can be matter-of-fact about his questions. If he asks you where you are going, then give him a simple, honest answer: “We’re going to meet some friends.” If he asks what you are going in this new building for, then it is again appropriate to answer, “To meet some friends.” Answer truthfully and succinctly, but move forward.
Even if he grumbles that he hates it and he is never going again, just keep moving forward. Sometimes complaining is just an immediate expression of his current thoughts, not necessarily an accurate expression of how he really feels about the place. During your life together, did he ever complain about going to work? Did he go anyway? Was it really so terrible? You both need time to spend with other people; it’s healthy for your well-being and for his. As a wise woman once said, “I love you for better or for worse, honey… but not for lunch!”