My husband was a doctor, well-liked and trusted in our town, and a pillar of our community. If people discover he has Alzheimer’s disease, I’m afraid they’ll look down on him. I want him to be remembered as a respected physician, not as someone who doesn’t even know his own name.
The Doctor’s Wife
Dear Doctor’s Wife,
The first thing to remember is that you must try to think of Alzheimer’s as the disease that it is, and not some stigmatized, deliberate action that somehow makes him less than the person he has always been! If he had cancer, it would not diminish his career or community standing. Caregivers are often so fearful that their loved one will lose the “status” they held in their community life, that they often deprive them of the very interaction they need to maintain a meaningful life!
Absolute #3 of the Absolutes for Caregiver Decision Making is: Never Forget, Instead Remember. It sounds redundant, but it is about this very subject! Never forget who your husband is; in fact, you should actively remember all of his accomplishments and discuss them daily. One way to do that is to reminisce with your husband. Start in the middle of the sentence – and by that, I mean leave the word “Remember?” off the front end! For example, you could say, “When you received the humanitarian award on Channel 9, we all dressed up and went to the banquet. I was so proud of you that I actually cried!” He is very likely to remember it, especially if it was farther in the past and he can recount how he felt about the award.
Practice keeping your conversations going by stating sentences, not asking questions, and he will likely finish your thoughts or sentences. If he doesn’t appear to be interested in a certain topic, then try something earlier in his life such as, “When I went into labor with Judy, I was so afraid you would be with a patient and I wouldn’t have you there with me!” You will find a great deal of comfort in recalling the good and interesting events in your lives, and it will help you to feel connected.