My brother is really angry with me. I took Dad to the doctor where I was told he has Alzheimer’s disease and will require 24-hour care. My brother said that the last time he saw Dad he was just fine, and when he talks to him on the phone he is not at all confused. The thing is, he lives over 1000 miles away and hasn’t seen dad in over a year. Have I made a mistake, and could the doctor be wrong? What can I say to my brother to calm him down?
Dad’s Girl
Dear Dad’s Girl,
The best method to open your brother’s eyes is for him to come and visit. He should stay with your dad for at least a few days. Hopefully then he will see the times when your dad is confused or forgetful. It is possible that your brother may not be able to see what you are seeing or he may not agree with your findings, but if you are the one responsible for your dad and you have sought the advice of competent professionals, then you should be confident with what you now know about your dad’s situation.
Absolute #2 in the Absolutes for Caregiver Decision Making is: Never Justify, Instead Authorize. It was written because your issue is classic. Often family members at a distance are so conflicted that the only thing they feel they can possibly have control over is you and what you are doing. Of course his criticism will not be easy for you to accept and it certainly doesn’t improve your relationship. But this is the point where you need to rise above the situation. When you are feeling guilty, burdened and unappreciated, especially by family members, you probably ask yourself something like, “Why do I have to make these decisions?” In response to that feeling, you should ask yourself another question: who do you want to make these decisions? Imagine for a moment that your brother moved home to take care of your Dad, and he began to make all the decisions regarding Dad’s care. Could you accept those decisions without question or criticism? While it may be hard for you to reason with your brother, especially when he’s distanced from the situation, try to be patient and understanding with him. You receive a certain consolation from being the one in control, but therein also lies the burden of responsibility.