My health is failing, and has progressed to the point that the doctor told me I have to place my husband in 24-hour care. He seems to be fine, and they say he participates and is happy when I am not there. But the moment I walk in he starts crying, and continues crying until I leave. My heart is breaking, and I just don’t know how to respond.
Broken-hearted in Tulsa
Dear Broken-Hearted,
I am sorry this is so difficult for you and your husband. There are so many heartbreaking aspects to this disease, and the separation you feel from your beloved husband must be incredibly hard live with. First, know that you did the right thing. Your health is failing, and what would your husband do if you suddenly passed? This way you know he is taken care of and you can still visit with him.
First consider this: how did you handle difficult issues in your marriage? I imagine that most likely, you went through things together, held each other up when things were tough, and simply held each other when things were really tough. Your husband may simply be working through his grief and loss, and you are the only one with whom he is comfortable enough to show his true emotions.
In the Ten Absolutes for Caregiver Decision Making, Absolute #6 says: Never Endure, Instead Cry. It is okay to cry. It is okay to cry together, so try going to visit him armed with some tissues. Instead of a strong façade, cry on his shoulder like you would have 10 years ago when something truly awful happened. I think you will be surprised at how likely he is to stop crying, and comfort you. We know men want to fix things, and this gives your visits value – he gets to “fix” you by holding and comforting you. Trust me, it will be healing for both of you.