My husband can really be embarrassing at times. He has always been a bit of a “ladies man,” and now he openly flirts with and makes inappropriate comments to some of the widows in our gated community. I tell them he isn’t himself, and he can’t help it, but they are usually offended. He also tells off-color jokes and swears at dinners parties, and I just don’t know what to do. If I say anything to him, he gets very annoyed with me and denies ever having said any of the things I mention.
Embarrassed Wife
Dear Embarrassed Wife,
It is important for you to understand that your husband has frontal lobe damage. The best way to understand that is to think of it as where his “manners” are stored. Whatever he thinks comes right out of his mouth, and he not only doesn’t have any control over what he says, but he doesn’t remember it, either.
I am so sorry you are embarrassed and you have every right to be angry – just make sure your anger is directed at the disease, not at your husband. As you have already discovered, it doesn’t do any good to try to explain or accuse, just change the subject quickly and move to a better one.
In the Ten Absolutes for Caregiver Decision Making, Absolute #7 says: Never Explain, Instead Act. If it truly becomes an issue for some of the ladies, and a private conversation with them doesn’t help, then you may need to spend less time with them when your husband is present. It is important for him to get involved in a senior center or someplace where there are people who understand the illness so he can be himself and visit with others – and so you can have time to meet with friends without his presence.