We just decided that my dad couldn’t drive any more, and we made arrangements to sell the car as my mother can’t drive either. My mom just called and said they went for a drive this morning, and since Dad drove just fine, they aren’t going to give up the car. What should we do now?
Daughter of Denial
Dear Daughter,
This is such a dilemma for family members. You should have your dad do a driving evaluation. It’s usually given by an Occupational Therapist and it will determine his capability to drive. It’s not a free exam, usually requires a doctor’s note, and is rarely covered by insurance. With an issue as important as driving, is worth the money to have this evaluation done. Depending on how advanced your dad’s illness is, it may not make a difference for your dad if he doesn’t remember the report. It will, however, absolve you from guilt (if a doctor says he shouldn’t drive, it’s not just you nagging at him) and that is very important.
Absolute #8 from the Ten Absolutes for Caregiver Decision Making says: Never Falter, Always Persist. It was written to address this familiar situation. As caregivers, we are often accused of being in denial. I found the word denial very offensive as I acted as caregiver for my Mother, so I changed the idea to “Eternal Hopefulness.” Caregivers want so badly for their loved one to get better, and for this long journey to turn into a vacation. This is probably the situation your mother finds herself in. If there is the tiniest glimmer that your dad could be okay in the future, it quickly invokes the hope in her that this has all been a mistake. We caregivers sometimes want to close our eyes, stick our fingers in our ears and hope that everyone will be just fine, the disease will disappear, and life can return to normal. This causes a pause, a wish and even a dream – but one must come back to reality and persist with difficult decisions.