It is so difficult to visit my Dad. I don’t even know if he knows who I am, he doesn’t really talk to me, and he will even walk off when I am there. Is it wrong to stop visiting? I just dread the visits and it makes me feel awful.
Guilty Son
Dear Guilty Son,
Visiting can be very difficult, and many family members choose to stop visiting. Most of them regret that decision in retrospect. Absolute #10 of the Absolutes for Caregiver Decision Making says: Never Despair, Instead Enjoy.
The word “enjoy” might seem out of place in such a distressing situation. Think of the best memories you have of your Dad and write them down. Did he smile, did he laugh, what did you enjoy doing together before he has Alzheimer’s? Take one thing that you shared, perhaps a picture of an old car, a toy, a picture, some food, ice cream. With that one thing in mind, approach him as if for the first time in a long time. Smile when you approach and say something like, “Dad! I was looking for you, look at what I have!” Then give him a hug. Even if he never hugged he is very likely to hug you back, and that will be a precious memory.
Together, look at what you brought. If he starts to wander away, you can bring it with and continue to talk about it, hold it, and discuss the memory you associate with it. Try not to ask questions, just make statements. You will be pleasantly surprised at the results. Visits can be just a few minutes, and they don’t have to be often. Practice will help you get better at this, so keep at it. You will be so glad you did when he is gone.