My husband just moved into an assisted living community for persons with dementia. He paces a lot and now is walking into other peoples rooms, picking things up, and walking out with them. The staff keeps telling him to stop, and when they try to take the things away, he becomes very angry. I am afraid he will become combative with the staff. What can be done about this situation? Has he become a thief?
Troubled Wife
Dear Troubled,
Don’t worry, your husband has not undergone a moral lapse and become a kleptomaniac! This issue is quite common for people with dementia symptoms. What’s more likely is that your husband is bored, so he wanders, and he stumbles upon objects that he truly believes are his. Otherwise he wouldn’t be taking them.
It is important that you discuss with the administration that as an advertised dementia-specific facility, they should be prepared to handle this situation. The first and most important step is that your husband needs something to occupy his time, and there are a variety of activities you can use to keep him busy. In the meantime, however, the most effective approach is to give him something of his own to carry – it will make him less likely to pick up other things. For example, if he is always taking other people’s wallets, give him his own wallet to use with a library card, or other kinds of things you would put in a wallet – just make sure not to put any important personal information in it or more than a few dollars.
Another idea is to create an area at the end of the corridors which he frequents where you can place items that are his, with his name on them, so he will gravitate toward those things instead of into the other rooms. When he does go into another person’s room, you or a staff member should gently approach him and invite (never demand) him away, saying something like, “Oh! There you are, Dad, come with me. Let’s go find your things at the end of the hall.”
If he has taken something that doesn’t belong to him, do not just swipe it out of his hands! Instead, offer something he likes in trade. A few minor changes in your approach will provide him with the attention he obviously needs, and will create the best outcome for all involved. As you can see, I have used Absolute #3: Never Shame, Instead Divert! Accusing him of taking things and then trying to wrestle them away is embarrassing and frustrating to him. Because of the brain deterioration due to his disease process, his only response is to become defensive. If pushed, he will feel he must protect himself and that will naturally result in combativeness. This situation is clearly preventable.