What would you suggest when my uncle with Alzheimer’s relives a traumatic event (such as his wife’s death in a car crash) over and over? He cries and calls out, “Oh my god, are you ok? Honey, honey, are you ok?”
Daughter of a Grieving Dad
Dear Daughter,
You should do exactly what you would do if anyone were grieving a terrible tragedy. Provide him as much comfort as possible, as if the event has just occurred – because in his mind, it has! Sit with him, hold his hand if he allows you to, and let him cry. Find the tissue box. If you say anything at all, keep it simple and say something like, “I am so sorry for your pain.”
Often, spending the time to show you care enough to be present and offer a hug will make a world of difference. There is no time limit on how long it takes to work through a grief process, each individual is different. Naomi Feil, the author of Validation Therapy, has some excellent techniques and tools for assisting a person with expressing their feelings.
There is no need to try to explain that it’s not really happening or she’s already gone, just be there to comfort and calm your loved one. The pain he feels is very real, but you can be there to hold him while he goes through it. While it is always important to acknowledge and validate grief, for an Alzheimer’s sufferer, it is equally important to try to change the subject to a better subject as soon as possible. Grief work is important and essential to one’s well-being, but it is also possible that the Alzheimer’s disease is preventing him from getting to the next steps of the process.
Think of his favorite things and try to change the subject by focusing on them. My go-to answer for everything is ice cream: either bring him a bowl of ice cream, or suggest that you go out for some. The distraction doesn’t have to be food, however: you can suggest a walk, look at a book together, play favorite music, try playing a card game, anything you know he will enjoy. It is possible that the focusing on this tragedy is a result of lack of stimulation or loneliness, and offering alternatives for him to think about may reduce the likelihood of this situation.