My Mother just will not take a bath, no matter what we say to her! Sometimes it takes 2 or 3 people to get her into the shower, and all she does is fight us. Why is bathing so difficult?
Just Got Wet
Dear Wet,
This common problem is addressed with Absolute #10: Never Force, Instead Reinforce. There are several ways to create the environment that is best to assist someone with a bath. However, force should never be used, for so many reasons. When you try to bully or force your Mom into the bath, it activates her “fight or flight” response. Her survival instincts are going to kick in, and she may have an adrenalin rush. That’s why you can only hold her down with several people helping, and in this circumstance, someone really can get hurt. In addition, in her mind, it reinforces the negativity of bathing, and the situation will become more and more fearful for her. She might not be able to remember the bath, or who forced her into it, but she will remember the feeling of terror. Bathing is a very private thing. Having 3 or 5 people trying to tear your clothes off – some of whom may be of the opposite gender, or seem to be strangers – and spray hot water on you, would be traumatic even if you weren’t a victim of Alzheimer’s!
You need to regroup, and calm the whole situation down. The best way to do this is to accept the fact that not everyone needs a shower every day to be clean. You can start by washing her feet, and legs and massaging them with lotion. Talk to her in a soothing voice. Wash her face and neck and even arms and massage with lotion. Wrap a towel around her and ask her to help you wash her upper body. When she is sitting on the toilet you can hand her a soapy rag to clean her private parts, or you can use a squeeze bottle with soapy water. You don’t even have to do them all at one time if she is resisting – each of these things can be done at a different time of day. As you build a rapport, her embarrassment and fright will dissipate, and bathing will get easier. Once she is comfortable allowing you to help wash her, you can probably progress to the shower. Continue to thank her for helping you, and discuss the ice cream (or other favorite thing) you are going to get when you’re done washing. As always, just move forward.