Month: January 2010

I took my father to the doctor the other day, and the doctor talked directly to him. He came in and said, “How are you?” and to my surprise, Dad said, “Just fine.” Dad seemed genuinely happy to be addressed, so I mimicked the doctor and included Dad (using the plural “we”) when we asked some questions that had come up since our last visit. Is this okay to do?
-Had A Breakthrough

Dear Breakthrough,
Absolutely! The first thing I have to say is: good for the doctor for keeping your dad in the conversation. This issue is very common and is addressed with Absolute Number 9: Never Condescend, Instead Encourage and Praise. It is so important that we not talk about our loved one, right in front of them, as if they are not even there. This can lead to angry outbursts or just an overall bad mood for your Dad!

To encourage others to keep your Dad in the loop, what you need to do is make certain that you and your dad are next to each other, and both facing the doctor or other person when he or she enters the room. When your dad answers the doctor, you agree with him by saying, “Dad is doing great in so many ways but we have a few questions about things that have come up since our last visit.” This keeps your dad in the loop as he plays an active role in at least part of his care, gets your questions answered, and makes the doctor feel that both of you are having your needs met. This is clearly just as simple as literally positioning yourself and your dad together, and restating what your father is saying in first-person plural. This is truly a win-win situation for everyone involved.

Dear Jo,

It is getting more and more difficult to get out of the house with Dad. He has difficulty getting in and out of the car, and often at restaurants he can’t seem to sit down on the chairs. I want to be able to take him places, because it’s fun for both of us when we go to lunch or do a little shopping. Is there anything we can do to make the process easier?
Need To Simplify

Dear Simplify,
This is a very common issue for many loved ones. A process called Apraxia makes it more difficult for a person with Alzheimer’s to perform major motor skills. It’s not that it hurts or they can’t do it, but their brain simply isn’t sending their body the right messages.

This falls into the area of Absolute #8: Never Command or Demand, Instead Ask and Model. A picture is truly worth a thousand words. If your dad is having difficulty sitting down, position yourself somewhere he can see you, and go through the motion of sitting down. Very often that seems to provide people with dementia or Alzheimer’s a visual cue, and they will then sit down. It sounds too easy! It is easy, and it really works. The same thing works when people stop eating. Often it is because they just don’t know what to do next. If you sit across from them and eat, they will often model what you are doing. It is okay to take this easy route, it’s certainly much better for you and for your dad than trying to force a motion that isn’t quite happening.